Riding home tonight, the storm clouds creating a light show in my peripheral were calm and magnificent. The warm wind was soothingly ominous. The headlights and construction cones were a contrasting chaos as I avoided wrecks, veering around people swerving into my lane (WITHOUT using a bl
I thought again about my strange emotional experience the other day and maybe some things I need to be more honest with my partner about.
When I left work earlier that night, I could barely see the outline of a large stormhead against the deep blue sky in the twilight hour. Fingers of light darted across the clouds, revealing shapes and shadows, an ever-changing image lit from all different sides, at all different times. Sometimes two bursts of light in quick succession would make the whole cloud seem to quiver, or skip, if it were in a film and a piece of the reel were missing. It was easily mesmerizing--though--this is coming from me, who will stop whatever I am doing to go watch a storm.
I just want to take the best advantage of this coming week. I want to do well in the office on Saturday. Hell, I want to do well in school. I want to impress my instructors. I want to impress the clients. I want to heal people and make the world a better place.
Can't control the wind? Try shaking some branches.
I have taken some extra care lately to really get in touch with my inner self, to shed all my superficial impressions and wants and needs and just get to the core of who I really am underneath all that stuff. And surprise! Suddenly the way is clear.
So the plan was this: ditch my stupid $8-an-hour job I have now, start some house-cleaning that would make me twice as much, and go to college. Just hop right on top of that college stuff (cause I'm getting on 25 and it's about time.) What changed.... at the last minute?
When I was a kid I was giving my friends shoulder rubs, and they told me I should do it for a living some day.
There was that time a couple years ago where two different psychics told me I have "healing hands" and will work in "a medical field." I wasn't seeing that happening... at all. And then I started working around massage therapists, and one of them told me he only went to school for a year! Just one year! And then you can start working.
I looked into it, but I decided in the end I'd rather go to academic college. I want to learn stuff! About stuff!
So the plan was: get a cleaning job and go to college. But I was talking with a good friend of mine just a few days ago. She is also in housekeeping. And it occurred to me that one of my main issues with massage is it is so hard on the body---but housekeeping is labor-intensive!!!! So if I'm going to be busting tail just to make $15 an hour... I might as well do something I'll REALLY enjoy, something that is meaningful to me, and make as much or more. What was I thinking?
Looks like I'm stuck with this stupid $8 job for a while. It'll take at least 6 months to go through school starting in April, and possibly a few more months to get my license and stuff. But ... you know it's not the big shiny lights I used to dream about... but it's meaningful. It's deeper than that stuff. So much deeper. So much more important. At some point I realized the shiny lights stuff was just... not just a pipe dream... a SELFISH dream that had to do with childhood insecurity, and the naive belief that if someone else did it, I could do it just as good. I'm NOT that person. I'm THIS person. I've always been very spiritual and humanitarian. I don't know why performance arts call to me so much, why I have this taste for fame, but maybe it's just a thing we all have. Fame, power, money. It's a strong draw. But when it came down to actually acting on that dream, it just felt too selfish. I want to contribute something. I want to help people
I think this is right for me. I am interested to know where this new path will take me. Lots of places I can go from here... we will see what happens!!!!!!
My mood: very enlightened
My cat, Audra, is an ornery little thing. Sometimes, just to distract her, I'll pick her up, one hand under her ribs and one hand under her butt, and lift her way over my head, so she can see the room from up high. She LOVES it. I noticed her reaching for door-jams, so I let her hang from them a little (while still supporting her, of course) and when she'd let go, I'd catch her and put her down. Well, Audra loves "flying." After a while, she started climbing to the top of chairs, getting up as high as she could. She'll look longingly at the ceiling and meow wistfully. She doesn't understand why she can't float up and grab the ceiling fan or the tops of the doorways.
Lately, I have felt like Audra. For a while, I was floating. Life was pure magic, but I wasn't escaping from reality, I was fully engaged in it! I felt like an artist in an on-going creation of life, people, choices and community. I was floating. And now somehow I've landed on the ground again, and the ceiling is way above me and I have no idea how to get back up there. Maybe, like Audra, it wasn't ever me who got me up there in the first place. It was someone or something else.
But I've been working my way around this rut. Slowly. My mind... turns like the titanic... or a planet maybe... gradually drifting it's way back around the sun. Anyway, I feel the sun coming on. The last few days at work have been surprisingly enjoyable! And I've been telling myself something... I have a place on this Earth. I think that's been my greatest fear lately. That I will simply fade into the masses... be normal, have a normal life and a normal house, get old and DIE. Truth is, a truth I realized a while ago, nothing's normal! Normal is a simplification--categorization of the brain to make things easier to compartmentalize and comprehend. It's not REAL. In reality, everything is mystical--infinite. It's still a little distant, that mystical state of mind. I've been focused on my house, life, bills, work. But I'm getting back around to it! And I can't stop thinking.... about going to college!
I'm almost 25. It is time.
Despite whatever complaints I've had about my job lately, today was a pretty great day. I opened by myself, and sometimes this magical thing happens where we don't have anyone on the books. That never happens at the big location. Only at our little special corner store in Hoover. I didn't have much cleaning to do, so I sipped a mixture between coffee and hot chocolate while I made morning calls.
I've had to keep telling myself lately that there's a reason I'm here. I feel so useless. I don't feel like I have a purpose. And I don't know where all of my strength and determination went. At some point, it melted away.
I guess I can't let the things that need to get done get me down.
Check out this quote!
". . . to go through life and call it yours – your life – you first have to get your own pain. Pain that’s unique to you."
My mood: moderately pensive
There is a lot going on with me tonight, on two completely different levels.
On one side, I feel like a silly school girl. There was this guy, in highschool, and I was nuts about him. He was different, funny, chill, "deep." I just thought he would be great to hang out with. Of course, I was an awqward kid in highschool, and by senior year when I was more confident, I had no classes with him, and it seemed like we were on opposite sides of the universe.
Well, I haven't talked to him in a long time. So I imed him, just wondering how he was. I figure, high school was a long time ago. It all went downhill.
the thing was, I couldn't get over it. I don't know why I care about this guy's opinion so much, but it kept bugging me. Finally I wrote him this b-movie-worthy speech about how I had a crush on him, and he still effected me, and I didn't know why and I wouldn't blame him for never talking to me again. I guess I just had to let him know. Anyways, that's like a person who isn't even me.
The real me is growing and learning, and starting to dream like I never have before. I mean, I've had fantasies of being "great" or making an impact on the world, but I wasn't good at making reachable goals and then... reaching them. And when I tried to think of goals, nothing really had any meaning for me.
But I am beginning to be more inspired again. And this time, I think I have the self-discipline to carry forward with something. Even something as simple as a nice, healthy hobby. I also need friends. Yep.
Previous PostsA moment: now, posted June 28th, 2013
Today was a good day., posted February 3rd, 2013
Another late-night post, posted October 10th, 2012
Facing stars... and hopes and dreams... and the future, posted October 9th, 2012
Hi world, posted May 31st, 2007, 2 comments
Two people, posted May 31st, 2007
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